Relationship and marriage are hard things. Maybe that’s why divorces have increased by 29% in the last decade, according to TUIK(Turkish Statistical Institute) data. We get married more difficultly and unfortunately divorce more easily compared to the past.
So why is that? Like many institutions in our country, the marriage institution is also unhealthy. Before that, dating, flirtations, relationships are unhealthy. It is clear that we are not doing well nationally in areas such as problem-solving skills, communication skills, stress management and anger management needed to build and maintain a relationship. It is not necessary to look only at marriages to see this. A glance at the streets, traffic, stadiums, politics and newspaper headlines would be enough.
As such, marriage decisions which were made under high expectations and intense chemical deception (pheromones) unfortunately end in insulting words and physical and psychological trauma that last for generations.
First of all, marriages are not made within two partners in our country. About two hundred people get married, one hundred people from one family and one hundred from the other. The first years of marriage are difficult even if only two people get married. Conflicts of power, fulfillment of duties and responsibilities, sexual adaptation difficulties, etc. tires up the young couple. While this is the case, when two hundred people from outside try to intervene in the marriage, all sides are in deep water. While this is the case, everything gets more difficult when two hundred people from outside try to get involved in the marriage.
All relationships, not just marriage, require care. Confucius says treat your spouse as your guest to explain this. But unfortunately, this care cannot be taken over time. On the contrary, the tiredness and boredom arising from the difficulties of life outside are tried to be eliminated at home without care. Words are not chosen carefully, gestures and mimics become sloppy, and such negative relationship memory raises. When this memory fills up over time, couples cannot think and do anything positive. The result is: the sad disintegration of the nest.
One of our problems is social gender roles. So, “a man does this, what you call a woman does this” situations. In our country, as our pioneer Erdal Atabek always emphasizes, the roles of “exaggerated masculinity, suppressed femininity” continue and this pattern based on the gender inequality has exploded. The man has rudely used the privileges given to him for years; the dress for woman is too tight for her. In the hyper-interactive and global world where values are changing so rapidly, trying to maintain modern relationships with traditional gender roles has become almost impossible. Already increasing divorce rates explain this to us.
Another problem area of ours is raising children. The child, who is hoped to bring peace to the family, can become a new source of problems with her/his birth.
- So what, should I not give my father’s name to my son?
- First, he’s not just your son and we’ve talked about this before.
- You always do this way. Imposition is a feature of your family (Find the two fatal errors in these sentences)
Let’s say the name issue is resolved. So how will this child, whose positive features are similar to us and the negative features to the other side, be raised? What should be the approach to it? Will parents be able to be consistent and clear in her/his upbringing? I hope they can achieve these.
Imagine two intertwined rings. And let these rings have an intersecting area. Let’s move forward by considering this interlocking rings. The non-intersecting parts of the rings should be the area that the spouses fill on their own. Their jobs, hobbies, sociality, etc. The intersecting area should be the couple’s common area, common interests, activities, tastes, etc. Many couples have an expectation that we should do everything together when we get married. The relationship that is initiated in this way causes the spouses to stick together, strangle each other and the relationship to wear out over time. Symbiotic relationships are born. Result: frustration.
Marriage life has these and many other similar problems. As optimistic psychology team, we are at your side with all our know-how in all kinds of problems that you will experience on the road to a quality partnership.
And we are optimistic again. Problems are no bigger than marriages. A healthy relationship is possible with healthy individuals. Let’s talk about the principles of a wonderful marriage. We are ready for support with all our optimism.
